Yes, I will write
You lick the knife after spreading Nutella. You stifle laughter when other people get peeved and wrack with sobs when most folks chuckle. You always look guilty of something, your favorite sport is tripping while holding something fragile, and you enjoy snapping your fingers in elevators to Kenny G. songs. You’re a lot like me. Uh huh, you are. Except you cannot write. I mean at all. You should be arrested for every word you put on paper or screen because it’s stiff, it suggests something you don’t mean, and is most likely spelled wrong. You are overflowing with other smarts but
Shhh, stop your sniffling, Colonel
Email a description of your daunting project to email@example.com and I will get you a quote. This will initiate a conversation which will end with you looking like a champ and thanking me profusely, and me saying, “Glad to do business with you, now send me your friends.” I’ve been to this rodeo, and you’re welcome.
Yes, I will edit for you.
If we were cave people, you’d be the one who chiseled important stuff on walls and I’d be the one who made your etchings slightly prettier. Everyone needs a buddy sometimes, someone who will say, “Yes! You’ve done it!”, or, “You’re so close, try this,” or, “No, please, stop, I’m begging you.” I’m that gal. Send your vision to firstname.lastname@example.org and I’ll let you know how I can help get you to the finish line. Because you can do it, you just need me.